Athlete's Foot

If you are a male that is even remotely interested in sports, I think it's inevitable that you will be asked by another male the question of "If you could be any professional athlete, who would you be?" It's like a guy to guy ice breaker. Unfortunately, more often to not, the response to the question gives you very little insight into the other person, so it's actually a terrible ice breaker. Usually the guy picks an elite athlete from his favorite sport and that's the only criteria he uses. It doesn't really tell you much about how they think other than the fact that they think a guy is really good.

Living in Southern California, I would expect most guys to say Kobe Bryant, which is honestly a really boring answer. He's an elite basketball player for the local Los Angeles Lakers basketball team, but other than his little run in with the law in Colorado, there's not much to Kobe other than the fact that he's really good at putting an orange ball through a hoop. LeBron James is another boring answer. He's younger and has the potential to be better than Kobe. He makes Tiger Woods-esque endorsement money, which is really impressive, but moot at the same time since any elite pro athlete you choose probably makes more money than you could possibly spend (unless you decide to buy a lot of crack).

Sometimes you'll get a response that actually *might* give you insight into a person. If a guy picks Tom Brady, who has quarterbacked the New England Patriots to multiple championships, he may also want to be Tom Brady because it is a known fact that Tom Brady has slept with multiple super models (so he's horny). If a guy picks David Beckham, it might be because he's married to Posh Spice or because David Beckham is the only soccer player that the typical American can recognize (he's starved for attention and kind of a poseur).

So when this question comes around to me, I'm sure most guys expect this answer out of me: Joe Mauer. Joe Mauer was born and raised in Minnesota, was a two-sport star in high school, got drafted 1st overall by the Minnesota Twins, won a batting title and could very well be on his way to the hall of fame. If you lived in Minnesota and he slept with your wife, you'd almost have to feel honored. His career was my childhood dream, so it makes perfect sense that people would think that this is how I would think .

Unfortunately it's not. Perhaps it's because of the indepedent rock/hip-hop I listen to, but I tend to eschew from the obvious, even for something as trivial as this. My answer is simply this: I'd want to be Shane Lechler. If you do not know who Shane Lechler is, it is not because he is a mediocre professional athlete. On the contrary, he is an all-pro. His wikipedia site says he's been the best at what he does since he entered the NFL in 2000. Shane Lechler is an all-pro punter.

Most guys will assume I'm joking. Being a punter is a pretty thankless job, there's no glory to it. Fans hate it when their punter comes on the field because it means that the offense failed in moving the ball down the field and won't be scoring any points. The punter coming onto the field is like getting notice that you're going to be audited by the IRS. It's just bad news.

But when thinking about who I'd want to be, it's not what you think as a fan, or at least it shouldn't be. I wouldn't want to be Kobe because he has been branded a cheater and I'm sure his marriage is really awkward. I wouldn't want to be LeBron because he has to spend so much time promoting Sprite and the five million other things he endorses. At least as Shane Lechler, I could probably walk into the market and be left alone.

No one wants a punter's autograph and you never see a punter on a billboard. And don't for a second think the the guy is hurting for money. He gets paid 1.5 million per season AND he gets a paid trip to Hawaii every year for being a pro-bowl punter. How sweet is that? Not to mention the fact that he can walk around downtown San Francisco totally anonymous and enjoy some amazing clam chowder in a bread bowl on the pier. Sure he doesn't make Kobe money, but he also doesn't have to constantly deal with being under the microscope.

I don't want this to sound like I want to be a punter because it's easy. It's not, but as a punter, there are rules in place to prevent you from getting injured. This is very important to me. While punting the ball, opposing players will be penalized if they run into or tackle you. While it's completely fine for them to hit a running back so hard that his helmet pops off, or hit a wide receiver while he's in the air causing him to flip and land on his head, it's not okay to hit a punter or a kicker while he's in the kicking motion. Not to say that you'll never get hurt, but it seems less likely. Many football players will suffer injuries that will stay with them the rest of their lives. This is also true of a lot of sports. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a metal plate in your hip or a rod in your leg? Do you want have to ice your knees constantly?

As a punter you also don't have to deal with injuring your ego. Kickers have the pressure of winning games. Punters don't win games (directly) and usually don't lose games (directly), but kickers week in and week out are being blamed for a win or a loss, and because of this, kickiers are usually on a short leesh. Miss a big kick in a big game? Find a new employer. While Kobe and LeBron have job security if they miss a big shot, it must suck to turn on ESPN and see guys talking about how you choked 24/7.

I must admit being Shane Lechler is kind of a guilty pleasure. Punters aren't typically expected to make tackles but if they do, they totally emasculate the guy they tackled. If you tackle a guy, he is immediately a pussy. How many jobs give you the ability to emasculate your opponent? If you find one, let me know, but until then, I'll be dreaming of punting and the 1.5 million amazing perks that come with it.