I hated high school even before I enrolled in high school. Part of my hatred stemmed from the angst that I had from my move to San Diego in 6th grade, and part of it was my sister telling me that high school was full of back stabbing insecure idiots. The fact that I was going to school with a bunch of affluent kids probably certainly didn't help matters, and this was long before I realized that I actually didn't come from a poor family, my parents just liked to make me think that was the case.
Whenever I tell someone that grew up in California that I moved from Minnesota, they tend to think that I must be ecstatic that I'm here, and that'd I'd be insane if I ever wanted to leave. Perhaps I'd agree with them if I didn't move to the community of San Diego that I moved to, where it was just beginning to be developed and where everything was built on a hill. So pretty much, the deck was stacked against me and I was stuck to toil for 4 years before I was, more or less saved by Orange County (which I've since realized is full of its own faults).
I tend to think I'd be happier going to high school in Minnesota even though the suburb I grew up in was starting to unravel as we left. I figured that at some point, I would've been sent to the same private school as Bruce, but my sister points out I would've gone to the same private school that she went to, which is one I didn't want to go to (her graduating class had 7 people in it), if I didn't go to the local public school. It was moot, but it was something I contemplated while I sat around this brand spanking new high school (7 years old when I enrolled in it).
I had absolutely no school spirit. I didn't goto football games, tried to ditch pep rallys, and didn't try to help fund raise for our class. But my list of extra curriculars, on the other hand, is pretty embarrassing: Academic Decathlon, Academic League, Science Olympiad, Key Club, History Club, and probably a few more that I can't remember. The only thing that was missing was the Bombardment Society. How I was able to balance these while ditching school to goto Jack in the Box is pretty impressive, in my humble opinion. I attended every meeting that I could, even though I couldn't make them all since they often overlapped. Still these activities were not enough for me. I felt like I needed something to put me over the top, and I finally found something, a music reviewing site.
My friend Ted and I decided to make an online "zine" where we'd review music and book interviews. He designed a nice looking site and it was able to land us an interview with Low, a band that I was (and still am) a big fan of. After landing Low, we'd e-mail other bands about interviews, name dropping Low to give us some credibility, and surprisingly it worked. Elf Power, Super Furry Animals, Creeper Lagoon, Mike Watt, Jets to Brazil and Sense Field eventually said "yes" to us, and we ended up wrapping up our site with an interview with Death Cab for Cutie.
I'm pretty sure the 'zine didn't get me far (or at least into Cornell or Northwestern, which is what I was aiming for) and I burned out on the music 'zine sometime into my 2nd year of college. I felt like I couldn't enjoy music as much as a reviewer, and I couldn't enjoy concerts because I'd be so stressed thinking of how I was going to write up the interview. (Perhaps this is why Pitchfork seems so grouchy all the time.) I don't regret giving it a shot, especially since there was barely any financial investment on my end. From learning about Alan and Mimi of Low going to their high school homecoming dance together, to Mike Watt telling me about his Dad thinking that being in a punk band made Mike a communist, I learned a lot behind these people that I admired so dearly. I still to this day see the fingerprints of these artists over my life. I even realize that a screenplay I've written pretty much embodies the principles of a song that Blake Schwarzenbach wrote (Boxcar, yeah I know it's the popular Jawbreaker song, but whatevs). (Writer's note: don't know who Blake is? Look up "underrated" in the dictionary. He was also the lead singer of Jawbreaker and Jets to Brazil). I'm glad to see that a lot of them have found success and hopefully one day will know that their stories have inspired me to tell mine.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
What's in a Name?
I think naming a child is a special time in a parent's life. I think it's also something that should be taken seriously because of the long term implications it can have on the child for the rest of his/her life. Naming a child is not like naming a pet. A pet will act the same way whether its name is Nathaniel or Spot. A person on the other hand, I'm not so sure. I don't think it'd be fair to name your son Spot and expect him to be a rocket scientist. There's nothing about the name Spot that screams out "honor student", but there's definitely something about naming your kid Spot that says Spot is coming from a shallow gene pool.
Now I hope there aren't parents in this country that actually name their kids Spot, and it's not because I'm afraid of offending anyone, it's a bad name. You don't necessarily have to give a kid a special or unique name, or even a unique spelling, just don't give them a bad one. If you're going to be one of those beauty pageant moms, don't name your daughter Gertrude. If you want want your son to be an intellectual, don't name him Butch. If you don't want your son to be a NASCAR junkie, don't name him Billy Joe Bob. It's pretty simple. If you're not sure what you want, name your kid a stock name like Mike or Kristen. Sure they could go in any direction with a normal name, but at least it's not YOUR fault. See, certain names lead to certain assumptions, and while it may not be fair, this is something that a parent can control. It's unfortunate how often I've seen parents fail at this important responsibility.
I met a girl named Charity, and she's pretty much a walking punchline. I don't really know anything about her but I did find out later that her reputation is pretty much on point with her name. Am I saying she wouldn't be promiscuous if her name WASN'T Charity. Absolutely not. Do I think her name being Charity pretty much made it inevitable? Pretty much.
I think people get their name changed because they want to change their fate. My friend Chris divulged to me the information that he was born Chris, but when he was 5, demanded his parents change his name to Christopher because it should be his choice to decide if the name should be shortened or not. Surprisingly, he's not an anal retentive bastard, but I'm sure if he made everyone call him Christopher, he would be. Would just being Chris have led him down another path in life? Apparently at the age of 5, he thought it would.
Probably the most practical name change I've heard about came from a guy named Mike. His legal name was Richard, which is a fine name, but his last name made things problematic. See, his full name was Richard Hancock which translates to Dick Hancock. It's really one of those cases where you wonder what his parents were thinking, if they were thinking at all.
My best friend was born Jang-Soo Lee. Jang-Soo is a Korean name and it was the name that I knew him by until he turned 18. It's not that turning 18 made him want to change his name, it's that turning 18 meant he was going to go to college. Now, he's not one of those weird kids who think that going to a new place means they can be someone different, with a new identity, but he's one of those kids who has to teach people how to pronounce his name correctly and gets frustrated when the International Students department starts sending him e-mails assuming he's not from the States (born and raised in Minnesota). See, Jang-Soo went to a private school from 1st grade to 12th, so his name was not an issue since he was at the same school with a lot of the same kids, so when he hit college and found out he had to teach people his name, he became Bruce. Bruce Lee.
I went to visit Bruce in Fairfax, Virginia a couple of years ago. We went to karaoke with his roommates a couple of his friends. I was told that someone was coming by the name of Harry. Harry Wang. To be fair, he was from China and "Wang" is actually pronounced "Wong", but you know, that's not going to stop Bruce and I from giggling uncontrollably. Harry was a nice guy but obviously did not understand why Bruce and I were in such good spirits over the course of the night. Songs were sung, much fun was had, and the car ride back was kind of a surreal experience as I realized I was sitting next to a Bruce Lee and a Harry Wang.
Now I hope there aren't parents in this country that actually name their kids Spot, and it's not because I'm afraid of offending anyone, it's a bad name. You don't necessarily have to give a kid a special or unique name, or even a unique spelling, just don't give them a bad one. If you're going to be one of those beauty pageant moms, don't name your daughter Gertrude. If you want want your son to be an intellectual, don't name him Butch. If you don't want your son to be a NASCAR junkie, don't name him Billy Joe Bob. It's pretty simple. If you're not sure what you want, name your kid a stock name like Mike or Kristen. Sure they could go in any direction with a normal name, but at least it's not YOUR fault. See, certain names lead to certain assumptions, and while it may not be fair, this is something that a parent can control. It's unfortunate how often I've seen parents fail at this important responsibility.
I met a girl named Charity, and she's pretty much a walking punchline. I don't really know anything about her but I did find out later that her reputation is pretty much on point with her name. Am I saying she wouldn't be promiscuous if her name WASN'T Charity. Absolutely not. Do I think her name being Charity pretty much made it inevitable? Pretty much.
I think people get their name changed because they want to change their fate. My friend Chris divulged to me the information that he was born Chris, but when he was 5, demanded his parents change his name to Christopher because it should be his choice to decide if the name should be shortened or not. Surprisingly, he's not an anal retentive bastard, but I'm sure if he made everyone call him Christopher, he would be. Would just being Chris have led him down another path in life? Apparently at the age of 5, he thought it would.
Probably the most practical name change I've heard about came from a guy named Mike. His legal name was Richard, which is a fine name, but his last name made things problematic. See, his full name was Richard Hancock which translates to Dick Hancock. It's really one of those cases where you wonder what his parents were thinking, if they were thinking at all.
My best friend was born Jang-Soo Lee. Jang-Soo is a Korean name and it was the name that I knew him by until he turned 18. It's not that turning 18 made him want to change his name, it's that turning 18 meant he was going to go to college. Now, he's not one of those weird kids who think that going to a new place means they can be someone different, with a new identity, but he's one of those kids who has to teach people how to pronounce his name correctly and gets frustrated when the International Students department starts sending him e-mails assuming he's not from the States (born and raised in Minnesota). See, Jang-Soo went to a private school from 1st grade to 12th, so his name was not an issue since he was at the same school with a lot of the same kids, so when he hit college and found out he had to teach people his name, he became Bruce. Bruce Lee.
I went to visit Bruce in Fairfax, Virginia a couple of years ago. We went to karaoke with his roommates a couple of his friends. I was told that someone was coming by the name of Harry. Harry Wang. To be fair, he was from China and "Wang" is actually pronounced "Wong", but you know, that's not going to stop Bruce and I from giggling uncontrollably. Harry was a nice guy but obviously did not understand why Bruce and I were in such good spirits over the course of the night. Songs were sung, much fun was had, and the car ride back was kind of a surreal experience as I realized I was sitting next to a Bruce Lee and a Harry Wang.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Distorted Reality of Zack and Cody
One of my favorite films is The Hudsucker Proxy, one of the most underrated films of all time. It was the Coens' first big budget film and it unfortunately flopped at the box office. Even the hardcore Coen fans underrate it, making it almost an afterthought it their body of work. How can you not love a movie where Tim Robbins shows people a drawing of a circle and deadpans, "you know, for kids."?
My nieces live in Oregon and they're 9 and 11 years old, respectively, so they're at an age where they actually have favorite TV shows and know what times these shows are on, not that it makes too much of a difference since their TV is always on the Disney Channel. They watch shows like Hannah Montana and they love High School Musical, just like millions of kids across the country. When I'm in town, I'll sit down and watch TV with them, because that's what a loving uncle does.
I know very well beforehand that I'm not going to enjoy these shows but I don't make that obvious to my nieces. It's not my job to point out overacting, bad jokes, and contrived plots. It's my job to force them to smell my armpit during the commercial breaks or to make fun of how creepy that beedy eyed Mikey kid looks on the Disney 365 segment. When we come back from the commercials, I don't try to enjoy the shows, I try to find out why these shows work, because someone got paid for these show ideas, and I haven't gotten paid for any of mine yet. I mean, it's possible that a robot came up with a lot of these ideas, like in that South Park episode where Butters and Cartman goto Hollywood (where Cartman was the robot coming up with Adam Sandler movie ideas).
So Hannah Montana is the big Disney Channel phenomenon and its' premise seems interesting enough. It's a show about a girl who's a regular public school student by day and pop superstar by night. Wizards of Waverly Place is a show about these three kids who are school students who also have magical powers. Once again, it makes sense why these shows appeal to kids. That's So Raven is about Raven Symone having visions of the future while she's a high school student. Umm, I think this is where Disney started to lose me. Ultimately, I couldn't fathom the premise of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
If I went into a meeting with a network and pitched a show about two kids who live in a hotel with their single mother, who can only afford to live in this hotel because she works there as a cabaret singer, I'm sure the network would possibly be interested in the show... if it was a drama or a mini-series, not a slapstick comedy. I think it's also important to add that the show has a character spoofing Paris Hilton named London Tipton, who is played by an asian girl. I'm all for diversity in shows, but if you're spoofing Paris Hilton... Wait a minute, why would you even introduce the idea of Paris Hilton to children? (Side note: Parents, if your children have any idea who Paris Hilton is, I'd recommend that you turn on the parental controls on your internet browser. You can thank me later.)
I'm not exactly sure what the show is supposed to teach, because I assume all these shows are supposed to teach kids something. Sure Zack and Cody learn things (they're twins by the way because America loves twins!), but London is still rich even though she's irresponsible and dumb. The show likes to make fun of how the candy counter girl is poor and how the single mom is single and seems to be romantically dysfunctional. Oh, and she's poor too, but you know, they live in a nice hotel so life is AWESOME.
Now, I've done absolutely zero research on who created The Suite Life and maybe Disney decided to completely bastardize his/her idea, but I like to have this idea that they the scene of their pitch meeting played out like this:
The person walks into the room, takes out a piece of paper from their pocket, shows the piece of paper to the executives and deadpans: "you know, for kids."
My nieces live in Oregon and they're 9 and 11 years old, respectively, so they're at an age where they actually have favorite TV shows and know what times these shows are on, not that it makes too much of a difference since their TV is always on the Disney Channel. They watch shows like Hannah Montana and they love High School Musical, just like millions of kids across the country. When I'm in town, I'll sit down and watch TV with them, because that's what a loving uncle does.
I know very well beforehand that I'm not going to enjoy these shows but I don't make that obvious to my nieces. It's not my job to point out overacting, bad jokes, and contrived plots. It's my job to force them to smell my armpit during the commercial breaks or to make fun of how creepy that beedy eyed Mikey kid looks on the Disney 365 segment. When we come back from the commercials, I don't try to enjoy the shows, I try to find out why these shows work, because someone got paid for these show ideas, and I haven't gotten paid for any of mine yet. I mean, it's possible that a robot came up with a lot of these ideas, like in that South Park episode where Butters and Cartman goto Hollywood (where Cartman was the robot coming up with Adam Sandler movie ideas).
So Hannah Montana is the big Disney Channel phenomenon and its' premise seems interesting enough. It's a show about a girl who's a regular public school student by day and pop superstar by night. Wizards of Waverly Place is a show about these three kids who are school students who also have magical powers. Once again, it makes sense why these shows appeal to kids. That's So Raven is about Raven Symone having visions of the future while she's a high school student. Umm, I think this is where Disney started to lose me. Ultimately, I couldn't fathom the premise of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
If I went into a meeting with a network and pitched a show about two kids who live in a hotel with their single mother, who can only afford to live in this hotel because she works there as a cabaret singer, I'm sure the network would possibly be interested in the show... if it was a drama or a mini-series, not a slapstick comedy. I think it's also important to add that the show has a character spoofing Paris Hilton named London Tipton, who is played by an asian girl. I'm all for diversity in shows, but if you're spoofing Paris Hilton... Wait a minute, why would you even introduce the idea of Paris Hilton to children? (Side note: Parents, if your children have any idea who Paris Hilton is, I'd recommend that you turn on the parental controls on your internet browser. You can thank me later.)
I'm not exactly sure what the show is supposed to teach, because I assume all these shows are supposed to teach kids something. Sure Zack and Cody learn things (they're twins by the way because America loves twins!), but London is still rich even though she's irresponsible and dumb. The show likes to make fun of how the candy counter girl is poor and how the single mom is single and seems to be romantically dysfunctional. Oh, and she's poor too, but you know, they live in a nice hotel so life is AWESOME.
Now, I've done absolutely zero research on who created The Suite Life and maybe Disney decided to completely bastardize his/her idea, but I like to have this idea that they the scene of their pitch meeting played out like this:
The person walks into the room, takes out a piece of paper from their pocket, shows the piece of paper to the executives and deadpans: "you know, for kids."
Monday, August 25, 2008
Some Kind of Monster
(Writer's note: Since my last entry was very sports heavy, this one will hopefully balance out the testosterone and estrogen in the blogosphere. This one is for you, ladies...)
Lets start with a simple SAT exercise.
Marge Simpson: Casinos :: My mother: ________
A) The Farmers Market
B) Garage Sales
C) The Mall
D) Church
In Season 5 of The Simpsons (don't ask me the episode number, I am too lazy to research this, and not a big enough nerd to know this off the top of my head), Mr. Burns opens a casino and Marge becomes addicted to gambling. Homer explains to Lisa that "The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" While this monster is obviously supposed to be an exageration, I do believe that there is something that takes over my mother the instant she walks into the mall. Once she enters those doors, you cannot be sure whether she'll ever walk out and if you are foolish enough to follow her, your life will also be in danger.
Now I know what you're thinking, "you hate shopping with your mom because you're a boy and you're exagerating." Not true. I have four sisters, all whom love to shop. They all can't stand shopping with my mom. They all have horror stories of losing her, my mom not meeting them at specified times (my mom wears a watch, by the way, so she really has no excuses), and my mom not answering her cell phone. It's really the thing that my sisters loathe the most when they're back home for the holidays.
Not that they've ever had it bad as me. At least they've never been told to stay in the car for "ten minutes" while my mom walked into Brookdale mall for about half an hour (would've been longer if it wasn't closing time) in the freezing Minnesota cold without a heater. I was probably five at the time and while this sounds totally barbaric, I think times were a bit different back then, so please don't call Social Services. I would never accuse my mom of being negligent, in fact, she's pretty much the opposite but that's another story (my first day of college).
So my sisters have all tried to devise ways to make shopping with my mom into an enjoyable experience. As far as I know, they've failed. When my mom was in Oregon (writers note: 0% sales tax is pretty sweet) visiting my sister, my sister lost her at the mall while going with her kids to pay for some earings. It turns out that my mom slipped in to a fitting room while my sister was gone, and you know, didn't call her to let her know or anything. My mom is a department store ninja.
My other sister has decided to accept my mother for who she is, with alterior motives. She goes shopping with Mom with full knowledge that the scene will play out like this: they will arrive at the mall, my mom will promise my sister they will only be there for a short while, my mom will say she's almost done when she's totally not, my sister will get frustrated and angry, and then my mom will buy her something to calm her down. My sister is thirty four years old.
I, on the otherhand, have decided to be creative about this dilemma. My theory is that you have to take my mom shopping somewhere that is foreign to her, and I don't just mean that you should take her to a mall she's never been to before. A lot of malls are designed pretty similarly (like if they're designed by the Westfield Company), it doesn't matter if they're indoor or outdoor, they have the same stores, and they all come with a map to help you find your way. They've designed to be convenient, to trap people like my mom, but not the shops on Melrose.
The shops on Melrose Ave. are just that, shops that are spread out on a street on Hollywood. there's no map, and this street stretches out for miles. There's no elevator or escalator (of course my mom is kind of scared of these), and no map. Heck, there's a good chance you don't know what half these stores sell until you walk inside. The stores are all one floor and they're much smaller than the a typical store in the mall. There are no department stores and usually these places charge you an arm and a leg because these are mostly speciality boutiques. I spent $275 yesterday and I don't even make that much money. You know, because I'm insecure.
So my plan is to take my mom to these shops on Melrose and to take her to some stores that I know she'd enjoy browsing at like the Marc Jacobs store. My mom is pretty afraid of Los Angeles in general so I don't think she'll wander off too far without me and since the shops are small, I should be able to recognize if she's making a break for the door. The tempo of the day should be controlled by the small amount of stock in the stores, and by the fact that we'll have to drive around a little bit. I think my plan will be successful though my sisters think that like all our other plans, this one will fail. I hope not, but if it does, I guess my mom will be buying me some new stuff to calm down so it's a win-win situation for me.
Lets start with a simple SAT exercise.
Marge Simpson: Casinos :: My mother: ________
A) The Farmers Market
B) Garage Sales
C) The Mall
D) Church
In Season 5 of The Simpsons (don't ask me the episode number, I am too lazy to research this, and not a big enough nerd to know this off the top of my head), Mr. Burns opens a casino and Marge becomes addicted to gambling. Homer explains to Lisa that "The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" While this monster is obviously supposed to be an exageration, I do believe that there is something that takes over my mother the instant she walks into the mall. Once she enters those doors, you cannot be sure whether she'll ever walk out and if you are foolish enough to follow her, your life will also be in danger.
Now I know what you're thinking, "you hate shopping with your mom because you're a boy and you're exagerating." Not true. I have four sisters, all whom love to shop. They all can't stand shopping with my mom. They all have horror stories of losing her, my mom not meeting them at specified times (my mom wears a watch, by the way, so she really has no excuses), and my mom not answering her cell phone. It's really the thing that my sisters loathe the most when they're back home for the holidays.
Not that they've ever had it bad as me. At least they've never been told to stay in the car for "ten minutes" while my mom walked into Brookdale mall for about half an hour (would've been longer if it wasn't closing time) in the freezing Minnesota cold without a heater. I was probably five at the time and while this sounds totally barbaric, I think times were a bit different back then, so please don't call Social Services. I would never accuse my mom of being negligent, in fact, she's pretty much the opposite but that's another story (my first day of college).
So my sisters have all tried to devise ways to make shopping with my mom into an enjoyable experience. As far as I know, they've failed. When my mom was in Oregon (writers note: 0% sales tax is pretty sweet) visiting my sister, my sister lost her at the mall while going with her kids to pay for some earings. It turns out that my mom slipped in to a fitting room while my sister was gone, and you know, didn't call her to let her know or anything. My mom is a department store ninja.
My other sister has decided to accept my mother for who she is, with alterior motives. She goes shopping with Mom with full knowledge that the scene will play out like this: they will arrive at the mall, my mom will promise my sister they will only be there for a short while, my mom will say she's almost done when she's totally not, my sister will get frustrated and angry, and then my mom will buy her something to calm her down. My sister is thirty four years old.
I, on the otherhand, have decided to be creative about this dilemma. My theory is that you have to take my mom shopping somewhere that is foreign to her, and I don't just mean that you should take her to a mall she's never been to before. A lot of malls are designed pretty similarly (like if they're designed by the Westfield Company), it doesn't matter if they're indoor or outdoor, they have the same stores, and they all come with a map to help you find your way. They've designed to be convenient, to trap people like my mom, but not the shops on Melrose.
The shops on Melrose Ave. are just that, shops that are spread out on a street on Hollywood. there's no map, and this street stretches out for miles. There's no elevator or escalator (of course my mom is kind of scared of these), and no map. Heck, there's a good chance you don't know what half these stores sell until you walk inside. The stores are all one floor and they're much smaller than the a typical store in the mall. There are no department stores and usually these places charge you an arm and a leg because these are mostly speciality boutiques. I spent $275 yesterday and I don't even make that much money. You know, because I'm insecure.
So my plan is to take my mom to these shops on Melrose and to take her to some stores that I know she'd enjoy browsing at like the Marc Jacobs store. My mom is pretty afraid of Los Angeles in general so I don't think she'll wander off too far without me and since the shops are small, I should be able to recognize if she's making a break for the door. The tempo of the day should be controlled by the small amount of stock in the stores, and by the fact that we'll have to drive around a little bit. I think my plan will be successful though my sisters think that like all our other plans, this one will fail. I hope not, but if it does, I guess my mom will be buying me some new stuff to calm down so it's a win-win situation for me.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Athlete's Foot
If you are a male that is even remotely interested in sports, I think it's inevitable that you will be asked by another male the question of "If you could be any professional athlete, who would you be?" It's like a guy to guy ice breaker. Unfortunately, more often to not, the response to the question gives you very little insight into the other person, so it's actually a terrible ice breaker. Usually the guy picks an elite athlete from his favorite sport and that's the only criteria he uses. It doesn't really tell you much about how they think other than the fact that they think a guy is really good.
Living in Southern California, I would expect most guys to say Kobe Bryant, which is honestly a really boring answer. He's an elite basketball player for the local Los Angeles Lakers basketball team, but other than his little run in with the law in Colorado, there's not much to Kobe other than the fact that he's really good at putting an orange ball through a hoop. LeBron James is another boring answer. He's younger and has the potential to be better than Kobe. He makes Tiger Woods-esque endorsement money, which is really impressive, but moot at the same time since any elite pro athlete you choose probably makes more money than you could possibly spend (unless you decide to buy a lot of crack).
Sometimes you'll get a response that actually *might* give you insight into a person. If a guy picks Tom Brady, who has quarterbacked the New England Patriots to multiple championships, he may also want to be Tom Brady because it is a known fact that Tom Brady has slept with multiple super models (so he's horny). If a guy picks David Beckham, it might be because he's married to Posh Spice or because David Beckham is the only soccer player that the typical American can recognize (he's starved for attention and kind of a poseur).
So when this question comes around to me, I'm sure most guys expect this answer out of me: Joe Mauer. Joe Mauer was born and raised in Minnesota, was a two-sport star in high school, got drafted 1st overall by the Minnesota Twins, won a batting title and could very well be on his way to the hall of fame. If you lived in Minnesota and he slept with your wife, you'd almost have to feel honored. His career was my childhood dream, so it makes perfect sense that people would think that this is how I would think .
Unfortunately it's not. Perhaps it's because of the indepedent rock/hip-hop I listen to, but I tend to eschew from the obvious, even for something as trivial as this. My answer is simply this: I'd want to be Shane Lechler. If you do not know who Shane Lechler is, it is not because he is a mediocre professional athlete. On the contrary, he is an all-pro. His wikipedia site says he's been the best at what he does since he entered the NFL in 2000. Shane Lechler is an all-pro punter.
Most guys will assume I'm joking. Being a punter is a pretty thankless job, there's no glory to it. Fans hate it when their punter comes on the field because it means that the offense failed in moving the ball down the field and won't be scoring any points. The punter coming onto the field is like getting notice that you're going to be audited by the IRS. It's just bad news.
But when thinking about who I'd want to be, it's not what you think as a fan, or at least it shouldn't be. I wouldn't want to be Kobe because he has been branded a cheater and I'm sure his marriage is really awkward. I wouldn't want to be LeBron because he has to spend so much time promoting Sprite and the five million other things he endorses. At least as Shane Lechler, I could probably walk into the market and be left alone.
No one wants a punter's autograph and you never see a punter on a billboard. And don't for a second think the the guy is hurting for money. He gets paid 1.5 million per season AND he gets a paid trip to Hawaii every year for being a pro-bowl punter. How sweet is that? Not to mention the fact that he can walk around downtown San Francisco totally anonymous and enjoy some amazing clam chowder in a bread bowl on the pier. Sure he doesn't make Kobe money, but he also doesn't have to constantly deal with being under the microscope.
I don't want this to sound like I want to be a punter because it's easy. It's not, but as a punter, there are rules in place to prevent you from getting injured. This is very important to me. While punting the ball, opposing players will be penalized if they run into or tackle you. While it's completely fine for them to hit a running back so hard that his helmet pops off, or hit a wide receiver while he's in the air causing him to flip and land on his head, it's not okay to hit a punter or a kicker while he's in the kicking motion. Not to say that you'll never get hurt, but it seems less likely. Many football players will suffer injuries that will stay with them the rest of their lives. This is also true of a lot of sports. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a metal plate in your hip or a rod in your leg? Do you want have to ice your knees constantly?
As a punter you also don't have to deal with injuring your ego. Kickers have the pressure of winning games. Punters don't win games (directly) and usually don't lose games (directly), but kickers week in and week out are being blamed for a win or a loss, and because of this, kickiers are usually on a short leesh. Miss a big kick in a big game? Find a new employer. While Kobe and LeBron have job security if they miss a big shot, it must suck to turn on ESPN and see guys talking about how you choked 24/7.
I must admit being Shane Lechler is kind of a guilty pleasure. Punters aren't typically expected to make tackles but if they do, they totally emasculate the guy they tackled. If you tackle a guy, he is immediately a pussy. How many jobs give you the ability to emasculate your opponent? If you find one, let me know, but until then, I'll be dreaming of punting and the 1.5 million amazing perks that come with it.
Living in Southern California, I would expect most guys to say Kobe Bryant, which is honestly a really boring answer. He's an elite basketball player for the local Los Angeles Lakers basketball team, but other than his little run in with the law in Colorado, there's not much to Kobe other than the fact that he's really good at putting an orange ball through a hoop. LeBron James is another boring answer. He's younger and has the potential to be better than Kobe. He makes Tiger Woods-esque endorsement money, which is really impressive, but moot at the same time since any elite pro athlete you choose probably makes more money than you could possibly spend (unless you decide to buy a lot of crack).
Sometimes you'll get a response that actually *might* give you insight into a person. If a guy picks Tom Brady, who has quarterbacked the New England Patriots to multiple championships, he may also want to be Tom Brady because it is a known fact that Tom Brady has slept with multiple super models (so he's horny). If a guy picks David Beckham, it might be because he's married to Posh Spice or because David Beckham is the only soccer player that the typical American can recognize (he's starved for attention and kind of a poseur).
So when this question comes around to me, I'm sure most guys expect this answer out of me: Joe Mauer. Joe Mauer was born and raised in Minnesota, was a two-sport star in high school, got drafted 1st overall by the Minnesota Twins, won a batting title and could very well be on his way to the hall of fame. If you lived in Minnesota and he slept with your wife, you'd almost have to feel honored. His career was my childhood dream, so it makes perfect sense that people would think that this is how I would think .
Unfortunately it's not. Perhaps it's because of the indepedent rock/hip-hop I listen to, but I tend to eschew from the obvious, even for something as trivial as this. My answer is simply this: I'd want to be Shane Lechler. If you do not know who Shane Lechler is, it is not because he is a mediocre professional athlete. On the contrary, he is an all-pro. His wikipedia site says he's been the best at what he does since he entered the NFL in 2000. Shane Lechler is an all-pro punter.
Most guys will assume I'm joking. Being a punter is a pretty thankless job, there's no glory to it. Fans hate it when their punter comes on the field because it means that the offense failed in moving the ball down the field and won't be scoring any points. The punter coming onto the field is like getting notice that you're going to be audited by the IRS. It's just bad news.
But when thinking about who I'd want to be, it's not what you think as a fan, or at least it shouldn't be. I wouldn't want to be Kobe because he has been branded a cheater and I'm sure his marriage is really awkward. I wouldn't want to be LeBron because he has to spend so much time promoting Sprite and the five million other things he endorses. At least as Shane Lechler, I could probably walk into the market and be left alone.
No one wants a punter's autograph and you never see a punter on a billboard. And don't for a second think the the guy is hurting for money. He gets paid 1.5 million per season AND he gets a paid trip to Hawaii every year for being a pro-bowl punter. How sweet is that? Not to mention the fact that he can walk around downtown San Francisco totally anonymous and enjoy some amazing clam chowder in a bread bowl on the pier. Sure he doesn't make Kobe money, but he also doesn't have to constantly deal with being under the microscope.
I don't want this to sound like I want to be a punter because it's easy. It's not, but as a punter, there are rules in place to prevent you from getting injured. This is very important to me. While punting the ball, opposing players will be penalized if they run into or tackle you. While it's completely fine for them to hit a running back so hard that his helmet pops off, or hit a wide receiver while he's in the air causing him to flip and land on his head, it's not okay to hit a punter or a kicker while he's in the kicking motion. Not to say that you'll never get hurt, but it seems less likely. Many football players will suffer injuries that will stay with them the rest of their lives. This is also true of a lot of sports. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a metal plate in your hip or a rod in your leg? Do you want have to ice your knees constantly?
As a punter you also don't have to deal with injuring your ego. Kickers have the pressure of winning games. Punters don't win games (directly) and usually don't lose games (directly), but kickers week in and week out are being blamed for a win or a loss, and because of this, kickiers are usually on a short leesh. Miss a big kick in a big game? Find a new employer. While Kobe and LeBron have job security if they miss a big shot, it must suck to turn on ESPN and see guys talking about how you choked 24/7.
I must admit being Shane Lechler is kind of a guilty pleasure. Punters aren't typically expected to make tackles but if they do, they totally emasculate the guy they tackled. If you tackle a guy, he is immediately a pussy. How many jobs give you the ability to emasculate your opponent? If you find one, let me know, but until then, I'll be dreaming of punting and the 1.5 million amazing perks that come with it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Hidden Quirkiness
"I think the girl in the story should be cute and quirky like ME!"
Without thinking, I got up from my chair and stared Molly in the eye. "This is a waste of my time." There was no wink, no chuckle, not a hint or irony. I was offended by her idea on so many levels that it didn't matter to me that she had just had her heart trampled on by her ex-boyfriend ten days earlier. I didn't care that she wanted to write a screenplay to validate herself from the pain she was going through. I cared only about two things: my name being attached to this terrible idea and her misunderstanding of the word "quirky". Basically I was being an insensitive asshole, and I was doing so in the middle of a Corner Bakery. Bravo.
I got into this mess on accident. I ran into her at the grocery store earlier that week and messaged her a few days later just to say 'hi', since I hadn't seen or talked to her in six months. I didn't know her that well, but thought that I should be polite and ask her how she was doing. I was expecting the conversation to be short and sweet but instead I set Molly off for about half an hour about her personal life. I quickly went from barely knowing Molly to knowing too much about Molly, including the fact that she went away from her keyboard for about ten minutes to cry. In the middle of this, she told me she wanted me to write a screenplay with her and I immediately agreed. It's hard to turn down a girl who's telling you she's crying and not eating on a regular basis.
Unfortunately turning her down would've absolutely been the right thing to do. This "great" screenplay that she wanted us to write was turning into a screenplay about what had just happened in her life and I couldn't fathom this idea on a couple of fronts. One, I didn't think it was healthy for her to be focusing on this relationship, barely ten days removed from it. Two, I honestly didn't think it was a very compelling story, at least as a love story. I know I only had her side of the story, but this guy sounded like a grade A turd.
Then there's the quirkiness.Molly isn't as quirky as she thinks she is, which is devastating, because she bases her attractiveness on this non-existent quirkiness. She believes that saying "bad news bears" when she thinks a guy is sketchy equates as quirkiness. It wouldn't be an absurd opinion if Molly was a movie character, like Juno MacGuff, but Molly has to live for longer than an hour and a half. Juno's quirkiness is dependent on being frozen in time. You don't get to find out that later in life she will speak like a regular person and wear pants suits to work. Quirkiness is about things you can't change in your life, like my mom's fear of getting onto an escalator. It's not about a catch phrase you use when you see a guy who looks like a date rapist.
So not only did Molly want to make a screenplay about her extremely recent failed relationship, she wanted to make it inaccurate, which would be fine if she didn't demand the character be just like her. I tried to explain how writing a screenplay about her recent breakup would be counter-productive for her emotionally and she didn't seem to understand. I asked her if she had seen Purple Rain and she told me she hadn't. I was trying to explain that one of the film's messages is that you should leave your personal life out of your business, but she seemed to be only fixated on the fact that Purple Rain stars Prince. "You mean Prince was in a movie? That guy that dresses like a girl?" I might've tolerated her offensive ignorance if she made some sort of reference to Dave Chappelle's impression of Prince, but nope, not from Molly.
At this point, I just tried to teach her the basics of screenwriting. I talked to her a little bit about structure, and a little bit about formatting. Every time I brought up a new concept, she would connect the concept to the movie Garden State. "So the inciting incident in Garden State is when..." "So the scene at the pool in Garden State would be written 'EXT. HOUSE'...?" No offense to Zach Braff, but Garden State is hardly a movie that should be held on a pedestal for an aspiring screenwriter. She then proceeded to whip out a Screenwriting for Dummies book and Garden State aside, it seemed like we were making some progress. Then she told me how easy she thought screenwriting was and how she didn't understand why I thought writing a screenplay is a long process. She didn't understand she was being arrogant, that she was being offensive to someone who has been writing screenplays for the last five years and was desperately trying to do it for a living. Now I have no idea whether I'm a good screenwriter, but I think it's safe to say that I'm better than someone who hasn't even tried. I wouldn't go into my doctor's office with a stethoscope on and tell him "You know what? I'm going to give myself a physical. I've got a Doctor for Dummies book."
Then I realized I was quick to judge and that Molly does have a quirk. She has the uncanny ability to make me have absolutely no sympathy for her.
Without thinking, I got up from my chair and stared Molly in the eye. "This is a waste of my time." There was no wink, no chuckle, not a hint or irony. I was offended by her idea on so many levels that it didn't matter to me that she had just had her heart trampled on by her ex-boyfriend ten days earlier. I didn't care that she wanted to write a screenplay to validate herself from the pain she was going through. I cared only about two things: my name being attached to this terrible idea and her misunderstanding of the word "quirky". Basically I was being an insensitive asshole, and I was doing so in the middle of a Corner Bakery. Bravo.
I got into this mess on accident. I ran into her at the grocery store earlier that week and messaged her a few days later just to say 'hi', since I hadn't seen or talked to her in six months. I didn't know her that well, but thought that I should be polite and ask her how she was doing. I was expecting the conversation to be short and sweet but instead I set Molly off for about half an hour about her personal life. I quickly went from barely knowing Molly to knowing too much about Molly, including the fact that she went away from her keyboard for about ten minutes to cry. In the middle of this, she told me she wanted me to write a screenplay with her and I immediately agreed. It's hard to turn down a girl who's telling you she's crying and not eating on a regular basis.
Unfortunately turning her down would've absolutely been the right thing to do. This "great" screenplay that she wanted us to write was turning into a screenplay about what had just happened in her life and I couldn't fathom this idea on a couple of fronts. One, I didn't think it was healthy for her to be focusing on this relationship, barely ten days removed from it. Two, I honestly didn't think it was a very compelling story, at least as a love story. I know I only had her side of the story, but this guy sounded like a grade A turd.
Then there's the quirkiness.Molly isn't as quirky as she thinks she is, which is devastating, because she bases her attractiveness on this non-existent quirkiness. She believes that saying "bad news bears" when she thinks a guy is sketchy equates as quirkiness. It wouldn't be an absurd opinion if Molly was a movie character, like Juno MacGuff, but Molly has to live for longer than an hour and a half. Juno's quirkiness is dependent on being frozen in time. You don't get to find out that later in life she will speak like a regular person and wear pants suits to work. Quirkiness is about things you can't change in your life, like my mom's fear of getting onto an escalator. It's not about a catch phrase you use when you see a guy who looks like a date rapist.
So not only did Molly want to make a screenplay about her extremely recent failed relationship, she wanted to make it inaccurate, which would be fine if she didn't demand the character be just like her. I tried to explain how writing a screenplay about her recent breakup would be counter-productive for her emotionally and she didn't seem to understand. I asked her if she had seen Purple Rain and she told me she hadn't. I was trying to explain that one of the film's messages is that you should leave your personal life out of your business, but she seemed to be only fixated on the fact that Purple Rain stars Prince. "You mean Prince was in a movie? That guy that dresses like a girl?" I might've tolerated her offensive ignorance if she made some sort of reference to Dave Chappelle's impression of Prince, but nope, not from Molly.
At this point, I just tried to teach her the basics of screenwriting. I talked to her a little bit about structure, and a little bit about formatting. Every time I brought up a new concept, she would connect the concept to the movie Garden State. "So the inciting incident in Garden State is when..." "So the scene at the pool in Garden State would be written 'EXT. HOUSE'...?" No offense to Zach Braff, but Garden State is hardly a movie that should be held on a pedestal for an aspiring screenwriter. She then proceeded to whip out a Screenwriting for Dummies book and Garden State aside, it seemed like we were making some progress. Then she told me how easy she thought screenwriting was and how she didn't understand why I thought writing a screenplay is a long process. She didn't understand she was being arrogant, that she was being offensive to someone who has been writing screenplays for the last five years and was desperately trying to do it for a living. Now I have no idea whether I'm a good screenwriter, but I think it's safe to say that I'm better than someone who hasn't even tried. I wouldn't go into my doctor's office with a stethoscope on and tell him "You know what? I'm going to give myself a physical. I've got a Doctor for Dummies book."
Then I realized I was quick to judge and that Molly does have a quirk. She has the uncanny ability to make me have absolutely no sympathy for her.
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